The Downer

I feel like I've been that girl at the get togethers these days. The downer girl.

Things just haven't been so rosy over here for me lately. Just not going right. Or maybe just not the way I had hoped.

The funny thing is that when I think about it, I didn't really hope anything. I didn't plan anything...maybe that's why I'm so aimless right now. For the first time in a long time I feel rather...forgotten by God. I mean, where am I? What am I doing? What is my reason for getting out of bed and getting dressed every morning just to twiddle my thumbs from 8 - 3?

I don't know what I thought would happen when Evy started school. As far as I can tell, I'm the only of my friends in my situation, so it just never came up. "So, Erin," nobody said, "What are you gonna do when Evy starts school?" No, wait, I'm not blaming you for not saying anything, just that no one thought of it - including me! It slapped me in the face after the first day of school and one friend had to go to get to work. ("oh, right, work...hmmm...a job....,"I thought) Then the rest of the friends left with their littler ones. I guess that's what I thought I'd be doing: going home with my littler one, too. A small new wave of grief came with that. So a few tears later, I left and....uh,....went home. to nothing.

There's only so much cleaning one can do. Only so much laundry (believe it or not). And now, with Reed gone this week and next, there's even less! I am so not kidding when I say that the highlight of my day is getting the mail! The other day I got all showered and dressed up just to go to lunch with some friends, then pick up the girl, come home and put pj's back on. It's a funny, weird, sad life these days. ;-)

Oh, I know what you're thinking. volunteer! sew! projects! The thing is that while that is fine and good and I've done some of that... (really only enough to make me realize that I really do need a new sewing machine - it arrives next week!) it's not as fulfilling and it requires a LOT of self discipline. I need a job. A regular hours, pay me money (not cuz I need it, just cuz it motivates me), real job. You see, I can really see how depressing this is. How a person can be thrown into real, honest to goodness depression over losing/not having a job. Especially a man, right? And it has left me only to worry, ponder, obsess more than normal about Evy. She had a less than ideal few first weeks of school which I really didn't anticipate. Things are much better this week (finally!) though she still drags out the goodbye in the morning at drop off. But I have found myself over-anxious about her. Is she okay? Are we okay? Does she need me? Does she love me? Does she know I love her? Am I spending enough quality time with her? What is her teacher teaching her? Is she challenged? Is she tired? Is she sick? blah, blah, blah...

So, I haven't been blogging much 'cause I haven't had much to offer. Except some poor me-ness.

But here's the good news. No, some great news.

1. I have wonderful friends and parents praying for and with me. My good time friends have turned out to also be my bad time friends. Thanks.

2. God has not forgotten me. I do know this. He had a plan even if I didn't. Just because I don't know what it is or don't understand it, doesn't change anything. Lately I've learned about not only believing God with the result, but in the process. Oh, shoot, that's just a whole 'nother post right there, so take that as a teaser...

3. I was offered a job today. I'll be in a two year old classroom changin' them diapers, cutting and pasting, wiping tears and snotty noses, and laughing at their cute little two year old selves. And I'll be gettin' paid for it, thankyouverymuch. (not much, but my house's foundation will thank me)

4. Evy's not sick. We are ok. She does love me and knows how very much I love her. She is adjusting slowly to a long, tiring day at school where she is doing very well only to come home and fall apart like a lot of other kindergartners (so I'm hearing).

5. This should be Reed's last long, out of the country trip. If it's not, I will be making a personal appearance in a certain someone's office.



So, that's enough Debbie Downer. I have found myself to be still rather easily subjected to tears and random fits of talking to myself, but I see light at the end of this tunnel. And I'm not alone.