An update with no new news

I have so many thoughts, I'm not sure where to start. (That should be your first warning about this post, I guess - haha!) Sigh.
Here's the thing: I really want another baby. I'd really love to have a little baby boy, but who really cares? We've been wanting for so long now. We've had tests, dr. appointments, surgery...and still to no avail (as of yet). We were wanting for four months before we had Evy, so in my mind, I guess I had this four month mark after a sort of "re-start" after the surgery - which was, um, four months ago. Not that that really means anything, but, you know...
In the post about our Anniversary I mentioned that Reed and I had some good discussions. We called them "sessions" like we were at a marriage retreat or something. Each "session" Reed picked a topic, like finances, or whatever and we discussed where we were, how it was going and where we felt God leading us next. Well, when we went to dinner we got to our annual anniversary questions. The best and the worst of the year. Oh, so many bests! Our marriage feels very close right now. It's been a good year for us, thank you to God alone. The worst has been the waiting. The months of hopeful ups only to be disappointed again. I can't get away from it. I can't NOT think of it - it's my body and it tells me every month just exactly what time it is. So, as we sat talking, thinking about it in that great restaurant, sipping our wine a thought formed. Should there be an end to the trying? I feel like it's just this door that we just always leave open, but it hurts to leave it open. A lot of people have the door closed for them because there's some known reason for their infertility. But that just isn't the case for us. There's no known reason why God has chosen to keep us a family of three.
That sad little baby room in our house. It has a bed, a crib, a changing table, little baby things...but it's empty. We used to call it "Evy's baby room" but started calling it just "the baby room" to prepare her for the possibility. But most of the time to me now, it's just sad. Even worse, I often put Evy's clothes in there as she outgrows them and at season's end, I put them in one of those ginormous "space bags", label it and Reed lugs it up into the attic. I don't even know how many of them are up there! The last time I did it, just a few weeks ago...man, it was so hard. And all I could think was, "Why am I even doing this?" The only reason I could come up with was because I just can't bear to do anything else with those clothes.
I tried to explain what I meant to Reed, and I guess I'm trying again now with you...when do we just close the door? When do we use that room for an office, a craft room, or something? Yet at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop hoping. So, I just don't know where that leaves us.
To answer the questions you may be wondering, no, we are not going to go any further down the fertility road. The next effort would be drugs and we just don't feel led by God to go that road, though I fully believe that God has different roads for everyone in that. So what about adoption, you ask? Well, we know that's out there and we're not closed to it, but, I don't know, I guess we've been so focused on our own that we haven't really considered it yet. Maybe I'm not ready to consider it yet. That feels like beginning to close the door. But for the first time, just last night, when the thought of adoption came to me again I did what I usually do every time baby #2 thoughts, plans, wishes come up: I give it to God. I remind myself that it's His to plan and give, anyway, so I surrender it to His loving hands. So I began to try to "see" us going to pick up some adorable little boy knowing he's all ours and it warmed my heart. It sort of felt like a possibility, y'know. I could "see" it. But I did with that possibility what I can only do with any possibility: surrender it to God. That gives me miraculous portions of comfort.
Here's another miracle full of grace: I have had no anger, jealousy or any of that towards others whom God has blessed. I had a little season of that, but it has disappeared almost entirely. Oh, I'll try and hold your baby as long as you'll let me - and try not to look and sound as desperate as I feel, but that's different!
And, again, as we sat finishing our wine and coffee that night and I tried to keep my tears from embarassing me (why did I choose to talk about this in public?) the words that kept going through my mind, and the ones I could say were, "But thank God for our one little Evy!" She is amazing and she is more than enough. More than what we deserve.
So, there's no new news, I just thought I'd write it out for myself (this has been very cathartic and I've cried while typing!) and for anyone who's been wondering "how we're doing". Maybe give you some prayer direction for us, if that's how you feel led. And if so, thanks!
Grace and peace.

The one about our Anniversary

Let me just begin by saying that I have an amazing husband. Really.

Just when I was starting to think that a year would go by with a hurriedly made reservation and babysitter at the last moment, my Honey scored big!

He wanted to surprise me, and would have succeeded, had the reservation agency not called to ask me to confirm the booking for a B&B in Fredericksburg! YES!!

Baby Girl was going to be picked up by grandparents and carted all over the place, while we took a mini-vacation! Before we left, I was allowed to open the gift I didn't even know he'd gotten me: a beautiful red wool scarf (wool is the gift for year seven, I'm told!). (Oh, and thanks, Cat, for helping out my man - you should think about this as a business - really!!!)

We arrived Friday night and this was waiting for me:

A half dozen roses (beautiful color!) and a basket of chocolate goodies,

wine glasses, and bathtime fun!

Saturday morning we had a wonderful breakfast with our friendly and helpful hosts and then set out for Main Street. Well, Friends, I was a little disappointed by the shocking lack of true antique stores. That used to be all you'd find there. Instead, we found several boutique-like places, upscale toy stores, interior design-ish stores, and little gift shops. In fact, there was only one to speak of, but it was amazing: Homestead. Ah, three floors to lose yourself in and did I ever! Last weekend happened to be the Fall Fredericksburg Antique Show but after lunch it was a choice between that or a visit to a winery. Well, the winery won because, really, I can do antiques anytime...a winery is something totally new for both of us.
So, we travelled just a mile or two down the road to the Becker Winery. It was so great!! We had no idea what we were doing but the people were friendly and extremely helpful. The buildings and grounds were exactly what you would picture and there was live music as well! We paid $5 to taste 7 of any of the 17 wines offered. They were wonderful!

The setting for our wine tasting!

Our chosen end of the table and our helpful, opinionated server! She was great!

Ah, the glow of wine! It was a beautiful, cool day - Perfect!

This winery also had fields of lavender! So we tromped over there, too! What a dream!

Unfortunately, we were not able to get a tour of the grounds...maybe next time! So we headed back to our little B&B for some more friendly "Trouble" tournament play and quality discussions about the last year. Then it was time to get ready for dinner. Reed had made reservations at a chic little restaurant called The Nest. Mmmmm....it was fabulous! And, of course, we couldn't resist some wine with our dinner even though we'd bought a bottle at the winery that was waiting for us back at our room! Here's the annual traditional anniversary picture:

Seven years, folks!

Well, our actual anniversary date was the 17th (Monday), and I couldn't just let it pass as an ordinary day, so I remembered that I happened to have a cake mix (does everyone just keep one on hand for cravings like me?) and, well, maybe we could eat in the dining room....and, oh, hey, maybe Evy and I could dress up a little? Luckily Reed came home a little later than normal (the only time you'll ever hear that come outta my mouth!) so I had everything set and Evy bathed and both of us dressed a little nicer than our usual end of day appearance! The dinner was really nothing special (tacos and ranch beans - though I did put together guacamole from co-op avocados for the first time ever!) but we just made it a little special. Evy loved helping me make the cake and it was her idea to put seven candles on it. Why not? And why not sing?

Happy Anniversary to us!
Happy Anniversary to us!
Happy Anniversary to the Cutshalls...

Happy Anniversary to us!...and we all blew out the candles!

Afterwards we got into jammies and looked through our wedding album. Evy loved finding all of the people she knew!
It was fun to have this impromptu celebration and share it with her. It was a neat evening. I highly recommend it!
Really...isn't he the best?! I can't wait for Year Eight!

Nutcracker Market

Hey, did anyone go to the Nutcracker Market this past weekend?
If I hadn't had such a great weekend anyway, I might be a little bummed that I missed it.
Just wondering how it went this year. Maybe next year...

A Princess party

Evy was invited to a princess party today and she chose a very sweet, lovingly made dress from her Gram to wear. Well, I couldn't let it go at that, so we curled her hair a bit and added a little ribbon. Here's the result:

When we arrived, the royal court was treated to a make-up session after which she looked like this:

The princesses (plus a queen) admiring one of the gifts of a make-up set! No girl can resist!

But, wait wasn't this just yesterday?

Last Full Day

On my last day, we took the public bus into DC, then rode the subway to the nearest stop to the National Cathedral. We'd seen great pictures and heard beautiful reviews from others, but it turned out to not only be a pretty long walk from the stop to the Cathedral, but it was, um, uphill. We didn't quite anticipate that. AND, I sent us in the wrong direction which added another 30 minutes or so to the jaunt. But, we did get to see this marvelous view from a bridge!

Oh, the pictures just don't do it justice! It was breathtaking.

But after a looooong uphill, cool walk we made it to the Cathedral. I thought it was worth it. I hope Holly has forgiven me for my enthusiasm to do this and would agree with me by now! ;-)

The main front altar of the Cathedral. It's Episcopalian - did you know that?

And this is the view from the top of one of the towers. On one side of this observation level, you could make reservations for tea. How fancy! In this picture, you can see the tall Washington Monument to the right, and the Capitol building to the left.

The Cathedral was designed in the gothic style. Here you can see the tell-tale buttresses and pointed windows and arches.

After that, as I mentioned in a previous post, I had somehow injured my right foot. Pulled a tendon, or something. At any rate, I had to rest it a lot after that. It was actually pretty painful but we continued on (after a taxi ride back to the tube stop!!) to the National Archives to see the Declaration of Independence, Constitution and Bill of Rights. There was, of course, much more I wanted to see but, again, we just didn't have time. This was one of the most moving sights for me. This written documentation of the very ideals of government fought and worked and so bravely constructed by great men. It is awe-inspiring! It was my favorite of all. Unfortunately yet understandably, they do not allow pictures, soooo....

After that, we had to get to our bus stop to head home. It was just across the street from the Library of Congress. I really wanted to go there, too. I had heard phenomenal things about it, too. But we knew missing that bus was not an option. So ended that day.

Dinner with Holly's teacher friends (and a hubby). They were delightful!

The next morning I caught a ride with the groom, his kids and the brides aunt and uncle back to the airport (saving me $60 for a taxi!) and they, too, discovered the awful truth...that I was a complete wedding crasher. Oh, well. I'm sure I could be accused of worse. I had a great time and can't wait to one day return with my sweet hubby and baby girl. It is quite an experience!

Thanks for indulging me and coming along on my tour!

Finally made it to DC!!

We finally made it in to DC on Tuesday! The bride's father gave all 10 of us a ride in to town (about 20-30 minutes). Actually, he took us to the outermost metro (subway) stop and from there we rode another 40 minutes or so in to Union Station. We were crammed in "the behemoth" as they called it and Don Deline, the bride's father and a personal friend of John McCain's, gave the Brits a lesson on American presidential campaigns. Now, being a Navy man, I'll give you one guess as to who got his vote, however, as he put it, "I'm ready to take the ride" meaning, of course, a democratic ride. He was very informed and explained things very well and they asked about everything from environment to taxes.
It would have taken me a good bit of the morning to have figured out that subway system, but those Londoners had it in no time, so I did what they told me to do and they had the public transportation mastered!

Self portrait in Union Station. It's so pretty!

Then we took a very expensive sightseeing bus to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. It was really cool and we exited it 2 hours later on the National Mall entrance to see...

...the Capitol Building. This was as close as I got.

We then walked in bitterly cold wind down to the Smithsonian Castle, but we didn't have time to go in. A picture will suffice for now!

We continued walking down the mall to get to the Washington Monument.

As we went around it we could see beyond it to the right the White House. I did take a picture, but it looks pretty miniscule, so we'll move on, shall we?

Oh, yes, there were beautiful fall leaves everywhere. This is only a preview of more to come!

World War II Memorial. Quite stirring. Along the left side of this picture you can see little black panels in the wall? Those are bronze looking reliefs of various vignettes of life during the war from bending over the radio hearing news of the war, to enlisting, to fighting, burying, and finally, celebrating the end. There are columns all around that pond each one topped by a wreath and written on it is a state or territory of the U.S.

Vietnam War Memorial. Along the bottom you can find little mementos and pictures and letters that people have left for their loved ones. Very moving. It still affects us today.

This is overlooking it all: the Lincoln Memorial. Grandiose in size yet simple inside.

At the very top and center of these steps lies an inscription in the granite to commemorate the very place where Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his famous "I have a dream" speech. It gave me goose bumps to stand in that spot and look out over the mall and imagine it covered with people. Thoughts of possible coming presidential events weren't far from my mind, either.

There he still sits. On the wall behind me is engraved the Gettysburg Address ("Four score and seven years ago...") and on the other side is another famous speech (forgive me, I can't remember what it was). It is inspirational to read it there in that place with his "presence", if you will, and the solemnity of remembrance of so great a man in so difficult a time.

This was my favorite touring day. We had very little time, but we crammed in all we could and walked a whole lot in very cold, windy weather. So very worth it. I felt so American! And what was cool is that no one had to tell anyone to be hushed and respectful, it just was. Kids weren't playing around, people weren't laughing and joking. We remember. I hope we always do.

Naval Academy

Okay, so now we're at Monday morning and we were once again treated to breakfast. We all crowded in to the B&B for "Bagels and Bloody Marys". Not being the bloody mary type, I was happy with a Coke! Then we watched bride and groom open gifts (they're going on a honeymoon later). This took some measure of patience on my part because I was more than ready to get the sightseeing going. However, I'm just not the kind of wedding crasher that's all about me, you know!! So, I waited patiently....
After that affair, we didn't have time to do much so we decided to tour the Naval Academy. It was fantastic! We had a great tour guide and even though the chapel and crypt were closed, what we did see was so pretty and unique and we got some great stories!

This is Bancroft Hall, the residence building. There's only one, but it has 8 - count them - 8 wings. All 4,400 midshipmen (what they're all called, women, too) eat, sleep, study here. They also ALL file into the King's hall (the dining hall) to eat at the same time every day, sit and eat family style, are served by the plebes (first-years) and are finished and cleared out in 30 minutes. Crazy efficient!!

Inside the main entrance to the residence hall. No ordinary "dorm" is it? It has marble floors and engravings all around. It's really beautiful. Up those steps behind Phillipa's overexposed head is the memorial room and it is a stunner!
I'm afraid that's all the pictures I got, but if you are ever near there, you gotta go. It's very, very neat!

Wedding Day

It was terrible weather every day I was there, except for Sunday, the day of the wedding. It was sunny, cool, and absolutely perfect!!

After the crab feast the first night with all of the family, friends (and me!) we crashed hard and slept well, though the poor Brits all woke up super early...body clocks, gotta love 'em!

The wedding wasn't until the afternoon, and there was a breakfast soiree for all of the family, friends (and me!) at another historic Annapolis home. It was fantastic! I mean, any breakfast that starts with being greeted by a mimosa is tops with me!

We then wandered back through the city and after a Starbucks stop, we crossed the street and I saw this guy sitting on the bench:

I mortified Holly by plunking down next to him and asking him if I could take a picture with him. I mean, he's part of the scenery, right? He was a 2nd year midshipman at the Naval Academy. I appreciated that even more after we toured the Academy (day 3). He was very nice, but I thought Holly would crawl under a rock!

The wedding was held here in the gardens of the William Paca house. He was a signer of the Declaration of Independence. The wedding party walked down that loooooong "aisle" in the center, the small gathering of family, friends (and me!) stood under that tree on the left while the wedding party went up and over the bridge to do the ceremony. It was really pretty!

A not-so-perfect picture of Holly and I after the wedding. Sorry I didn't get a picture of the fabulous shoes! Over Holly's shoulder you can see the bride and groom kissing taking their wedding photos. All of the Brits wore hats - it's a British thing, apparently!

After the wedding, the couple took off on a horse-drawn carriage while the guests were led on a 45 minute walking tour of Annapolis that ended at the yacht club. Swanky, no?

The best send off ever: at the end of this dock, there is a sailboat owned by the bride's father. He and some family strung the mast and the deck with white lights and when the reception was over and it was dark, the couple walked down the dock with the guests following, boarded the boat and sailed off. It was truly magical!!

So ends Day 2. Note that I have yet to pay for anything but coffee and souvenirs!

Annapolis, Mary-land!

I loved (and, yes, had a little laugh about) the way the Brits said "Maryland". They say "Mary" just like we would and then "land"...hard to write, but it was funny. Hence the title of this post.

Then when I tried to teach them how we say it (because they asked, not because I "corrected" them), they would lower their voices about 2 octaves and try to say it quickly and run the words together. Very funny.

ANYWHO...

so I just got home last weekend from a great, fun trip to Annapolis and Washington, D.C. I went to spend time with Holly who was there for a wedding of a close friend of hers from London. We were actually staying in Annapolis and drove in to DC two days.

Day 1 - I landed in D.C. at about 11:30am and after a $60 taxi drive I arrived at the Chez Amis, the B&B that the bride's parents own and operate. It is overflowing with family and I know NO ONE. Holly is not due to arrive until about 6:30 or 7 that night. A man, who I now know is the groom, makes his way over and introduces himself. "Very nice to meet you. Congratulations!" I say. He then introduces me to Michelle, his bride to be. We hug because that's what you do to your friend's friends, right? It is now plainly obvious to everyone as they put the pieces together ("Okay, so she just met the groom, just met the bride...I don't know her...you don't know her...why is she HERE?) that I am the wedding crasher!

No matter, I just want to get the key to where I'm staying and get the heck out of wedding central! I finally manage to do that but I don't stay there long. I head out to explore historic Annapolis which my room is smack in the middle of! Here's what I find at the end of the street:

This is a sort of market square where I stopped for coffee. It was very cold,

blustery and wet. Perfect for coffee! There was a lot of that: cold, wet weather and coffee!

This is the dock that is immediately to my left and comes right up to market square.

This is Main St. which I walked to the top of from the Square. There's a great little Starbucks that's in a basement. Coolest one I've ever seen.

Since I'm about a 2 minute walk from the Naval Academy and it's game day (they were playing SMU), there are the Navy flags on the poles. I bought a couple of shirts for Reed and I and a pink Navy sweatshirt for Evy.

One side of the State House. The oldest capitol building still in use in the U.S.

It was the capitol for the 13 colonies in 1783 and George Washington himself resigned his commission as commander in chief here.

A typical house in Annapolis. Cute little historic duplex.

Cute little courtyard all decorated for fall!

More about this later. It was located right at the end of the street I was staying on.

Hope you enjoyed this mini tour of historic Annapolis! Tomorrow: "How to Crash a Destination Wedding and Eat and Explore for Free All Week!"

Just Random Ranting

1. t.u. lost to Tech. This is a victory I can only partially enjoy because Tech fans are just weird, outrageous and annoying. Did you see them rush out onto the field before the game was over? Twice?! stupid. (sorry, Michelle, I'm sure you weren't one of them!).

2. haha! I just saw this:

I knew there was something I didn't like about him...now it all makes sense! ;-)

3. Those mall cart people: you know... the ones in the middle of the mall with their crap hanging from the carts? They hound you! NO, I don't want your crap...no, not even a free sample! Leave me alone! My seriously practical and to-the-point mother in law was once approached by a cart person who said, "May I ask you a question?" to which she said, without a hesitation in her step or reply: "No." I laughed and laughed.

4. Boston Legal: does anyone watch this show but me? I just can't seem to help liking these silly, quirky characters that David E. Kelley keeps coming up with and this show is no exception. Ugh, but the commentary he unashamedly dishes out is too much. Last night especially! James Spader, the intelligent, never loses a case lawyer and his best friend, William Shatner, who is the do-nothing, stupid, losing his mind partner that everyone just tolerates, went at it last night over who they were voting for. Of course Shatner admits to a completely stunned Spader that he intends to vote for McCain to which Spader proceeds to spew a veritable Obama campaign speech! Ugh. Gimme a break! Can I just watch a show and not get barraged by political and/or social commentary? I guess not. I think I watched my last episode.

5. plantar fascitis: No, I'm not a fascist...it's a foot thing. When I was in DC we took a big, uphill hike from the metro stop up to the National Cathedral. In doing so I somehow injured my foot and now have what I think is plantar fascitis. It hurts like crazy...still! The only thing that makes it feel better? Not putting any weight on it. If I do have to be on it the next best thing is wearing running shoes. A nice look. Steph thinks I should go with the skirt, blouse, panty hose and running shoes look, what do you think?
I've read it could take as much as 6 months to a year of just letting it heal on it's own and staying off of it. Right.
It was worth it, though. The cathedral is breathtaking.

6. Oh, ok, here's a GOOD thing: remember Jack from Men in Trees? (I know there are, like, 3 of us who watched that show...) Anyway, he's Samantha's new boyfriend in Samantha Who?! I really like him and he's equally likable on this show, too. yea.

Okay. I think that's all.
Reading back over this, I think I may watch too much tv? Though it's really mostly on Monday night....
I feel better now.
Thanks. No comments necessary, I was quite opinionated in this post. Sorry if I offended. ;-)