A New Step

Well, here's an update on the second kiddo hold up.
The good news: we've found a possible reason for the hold up.
The bad news: we have to wait until June to find out more.

The full story:
Went to the doctor for regular well-woman exam - don'tcha love 'em? Anyway, of course we talked about our difficulty conceiving number 2. We're at the end of year 2 of trying for those of you keeping track! He did some routine checks and questions and then sent me for a blood test. He told me then, "Don't be surprised if I want you to go back in two weeks to have it re-done." Okay, so when that is exactly what happened, I wasn't surprised (I'm good at following Dr.'s orders...). But after that test, I was asked to wait two weeks and do it again. By now we were back to the beginning of my cycle and this time I was a little surprised and beginning to think maybe he had found something. Since all he was now checking was my estrogen level...well, it doesn't take a scientist to figure out what I was told next.
I received a call late Wednesday afternoon from the nurse telling me that all three of my tests had come back low on my estrogen level. Hmmmm.....
They recommended a specific reproductive endocrinologist (say that really fast five times!) but to my dismay, he is not on our insurance plan. I then made a call to our resident expert/friend and discovered that the one they had gone to was indeed on our plan. However, the first appointment I could get was mid June. Poop.
So, that's the facts....Here's how this translates in my emotional world. We've been at this for so long and have had no idea why kid #2 would be so long comin'. As more time passed I guess I began thinking it really wouldn't ever happen and kinda stopped even being optimistic...just resigned, I think. I would love on other people's babies (there are a lot of them!) and just keep praying. Then to find out that yes, there is possibly a problem that is theoretically fix-able brought a spectrum of unexpected feelings. Relief that maybe we can get somewhere now. Release of diagnoses of insanity that I'd given myself for this weird second baby infertility!! Fear of what the next step may be. Uncertainty of whether we're ready for a next step. Impatience at wanting the appointment to be tomorrow morning, for pete's sake!!
Yet, after the call that put me on the emotional edge, there was still dinner to make, a lesson to teach to jr. highers, all the normal Wednesday stuff, y'know. Only all I could really focus on was getting this resolved! It still kinda is my only thought. By the time Reed got home, all it took was a hug and I dissolved. Not a break down or anything, but a release (you girls know what I'm talking about). Then things were better...only I knew if I was going to make it until June, I needed something else.
So I lay down on the bed and talked to God. I told Jesus all my feelings, especially the fear...I think there's more fear than I'll admit...but all I can do is give it to Him. So I did...and I still do. And I still will until June...and after June, probably!
I write this to 1. get it out (it feels great!) 2. let you in on the infertility process and emotions 3. update you so you can pray. Please pray. However God leads you after reading this, just pray. Thanks.
One more thing... I realize how blessed I am to have my one sweet Evy but I just feel that there's more Mama in me for another. And she'd be such a great big sis and she wants a baby, too. I'm glad she is learning through this, too. She asks me why we don't have a baby and I tell her God just hasn't thought it was time for us. But I tell her we can pray for one, and we do. What a great day it will be when we can all praise Him together for a second blessing to the Cutshalls!