I've noticed in raising Evy that there seem to be behavior "cycles". I know from talking to mom friends that I am not alone. It goes like this: for 4-6 weeks my daughter is in coasting mode. She's mostly obedient, compliant and pleasant. Not perfect, but our discipline usually consists of a couple of time-outs per week. But then it cycles downward and she begins testing limits. It begins somewhat innocently, but before you know it you're at the bottom of that circle and she is whining, complaining, refusing, sassy. The time-outs seem ineffective and we go to spanking. This phase seems to last so very long, but in actuality maybe it doesn't...it's hard to say when you're in the middle of it, y'know? Anyway, I have begun to notice as well that as these cycles come and go, new behaviors begin to be tested. It started with disobedience - difficult, yes, but pretty clear cut. Then we added in some disrespect. There was lying, the stealing incident, and the fit-throwing. This recent phase, though, is really disturbing me.
It feels like all of our communication these days is of the correcting sort. I mean, does she even hear me anymore? If all she hears is the constant beat of the "we don't talk that way" drum and "is that a pleasant voice?" or "I don't understand whinese" does it even register after a while? Ugh...there have been a few days where I went to bed thinking that I didn't even enjoy her today. yuck. I've been praying, talking to friends, talking to Reed and we've tried a few things, but it's still just hard! I know, Mom, I know... no one said parenting is easy, but we're just sharing here, right? Anyway, Monique had this thought, this suggestion that she started with A of simply touching her nose to just give a nonverbal cue that she needs to change her words or tone. I started trying that yesterday and it seems to help somewhat in the smaller matters because I'm not giving the speech and she's not having to listen to the speech. It also makes her think about how to correct her words or tone on her own - an important skill for a budding preschooler!
Then just yesterday after I picked Evy up from her Kids Crossing class at church we were waiting for Reed to finish when a full on tantrum began. It was spanking time. I really don't spank often, maybe once every 3 weeks or so, but, y'know what? Even as it was happening (as embarassing as it was because she was literally on the floor kicking and yelling "NOOOOO!!!" in the middle of the brand new atrium of our church building) but I had this sense that this episode, this spanking was going to do it. This was going to break her and bring her back to us...or at least begin to. It seems to be the only thing, and I mean EVERY TIME, that breaks the downward cycle and shows her once again that she is made for submission - to us as her parents, to teachers, and, ultimately, to God. So after all the lectures, the talks, the memory verses... at least for my little Evyn, it isn't until it gets to the all out rebellion and that climax of the spanking (even if it's right there in the church office copy room) that she finally bends and the light begins to shine from the end of this tunnel.
Don't worry, by the time we left the offices she was hugging, apologizing, telling us she loved us and all was well. This doesn't mean it's over, but at least there was genuine, unsolicited "I love you's" last night as we left her room. And I went to bed thinking that I did enjoy her a bit more today. ;-)
unfortunately there are will be plenty of phases where you not like your kids very much. It happens. and you are right, once you've been through the major disciple phase hopefully all it takes is a spank once in a blue moon to remind them how to behave. We have to do that once or twice a year and they are mostly good afterwards. Some phases are just longer and harder than others.
ReplyDeleteReading this post just made me think of how many seasons like this we will share with different manifestations and levels of severity. I say that not with dread of the future and those teen years, but with hope that our Lord will soften those little hearts and teach them to walk in His ways. I love having a friend to share this joyful struggle with!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to commend you young moms for knowing the importance of discipline/self-disipline for you children! Awesome! Second, way to go sticking with your child, though some days you just want to give up and let them have their way, just weary from it all. What a great picture of the Lord you are to your children...not giving up.."the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases". Third, yesterday when dealing with our Syd, she got a spanking while sitting in time-out for something disrespectful she said..talk about your double whammyy! I remember reading a long time ago about fussiness in a baby preceding a new developmental stage. Syd just started asking for extra servings of food last week, so we know it's probably a growth spurt. She's also had a few melt-downs during this time. So, putting a possible two and two together...maybe the preschoolers have the same thing going on? Just a thought! Take care young moms, you give this mima great hope for the future of our culture!!
ReplyDelete