Christmas 2009

Just some of my favorite images from Christmas this year... because pictures are whole lot more fun than words!

Our advent tree. We read advent scriptures and wrote on each ornament something for which we are thankful.

My Christmas Eve table. And the menu? Tamales, of course!

Christmas blog banner next year? ...hmmmm

A cozy new homemade ornament from crafty friends! Love it!

...and my crafty gifts this year in process.

A Polly Pocket (and friends) Christmas party!

Evy's Christmas party at school.

Evy and her cousin Bailey making place cards for a family dinner.

Making Christmas sugar cookies...

...to ice, sprinkle, wrap up and give to neighbors!

Ah, the traditional star on top of the tree with Daddy picture.

Evy's stuffed stocking.

A much anticipated gift: a new watch!

...and new heeled shoes!

After breakfast and gifts at our house...

...we head to Mamaw and Pawpaw's for gifts.

Here's my mother's new sewing machine. She is shocked! My dad does it again!

Evy and I opening gifts at my parents'.

Then we go to McKinney to spend time with Reed's Granny Rube. She got a Snuggie, of course!!

How do you pass the time in the back seat of the car for five hours? Sleeping and reading a new set of books!

We had a wonderful Christmas! Hope yours was, too!

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

Evy's "journal writing" from school on Tuesday.

Gig 'em, Ags!!

Any news?

No. Not really. And, honestly, unless you are A. my boss, or B. my parents or in-laws, or C. my brother or sister-in-law...you won't know the next news until there is a baby in my arms. Don't take that personally or anything, please, it's just that...well...a LOT of things can happen between now and then. Just know to pray. Know that birthmoms are looking at pictures of us, reading about our lives, our journey, and deciding whether or not we get to raise the baby she's carrying. Whew, what a decision!
In the meantime, we wait. We wait patiently. Home study is complete. There is a little form our agency is politely nagging us to fill out, probably the most difficult one by far. We are dragging our feet to complete it because it asks us to check off what conditions we are/are not willing to adopt for our child. A child with family history of mental illness? A mom with an addiction? The list is long. A child who is HIV+? A child that is the result of incest? How do you answer these questions? How would Jesus? ouch. You see our hesitiation?!
Anyway, besides that paper, everything is done and we wait. The past few weeks I have actually enjoyed this little period because after all of our striving, trying, and then paperwork and to-do lists to complete paperwork...it has been nice to just sit back, relax and all I have to do is wait and my baby is coming. Just wait...ahhhhhh.
Well, the relaxing, restful perspective is beginning - just beginning - to give way. I'm ready for my baby. (We call him/her Pumpkin, so we don't have to say "him or her" and it helps Evy.) I'm ready to have a name. A mother's face. Where is she? I wouldn't say I'm impatient yet, but maybe you could say I'm just very ready. The phone never rings but that the thought doesn't flash through my head, "Maybe.....?"
Meanwhile, others become pregnant. I was over the jealousy, I thought, until it recently, totally unexpectedly slammed into me again. Oy. Thankfully, it lasts but a moment and then I am truly joyful for my friends. I was also recently reminded that that is sin. That adopting, holding, celebrating my baby might not make that all go away. After all, there will be differences in this experience because my baby will be adopted. But Pumpkin is still my baby. Always in God's plan. Always waiting for me. Waiting for the love of an amazing man, sweet older sister and a longing mommy. No, Pumpkin won't fulfull it, not satisfy it, so that longing must go where it belongs...to Jesus. Pumpkin will be held by a heart that is already full. Full and overflowing.
So we wait. Held by Jesus who longs for me...we wait.

Number Eight

Eight blessed years, truly, because of the gift of a humble, wonderfully dedicated man who loves me most in jeans and a t-shirt hanging out watching a movie. Love you, babe.

at Cafe Rabelais

Obligatory Costume pics

Because my mom doesn't do Facebook!
The idea started as a butterfly, but quickly evolved into a fairy. Oh, well. She loved it. Maybe we'll shoot a little closer for the Monarch butterfly next year!

It had to happen, right?

So, this afternoon, Reed came home early from work because we had an inspection guy coming (number two of four). He called and said he was about 15 minutes out. Keep in mind that I'm furiously trying to finish Evy's costume and Reed is emptying out the gobs of stuff that's been stored in the baby room and Evy is trying on clothes from last year to see what will still fit (while dancing to Lola's dance party CD!). So clothes and junk are strewn ALL OVER the family room, sewing stuff all over the dining room, Halloween candy (yes, already) is slowly taking over my kitchen when Reed emerges ever so quietly from the baby room with a sheepish look on his face.

"Ummm...honey....," he says.

"What?" I ask with dread.

"Uh, I wouldn't go in the baby room."

"Why...what....?"

I walk slowly to the room and this is what I see:

I gasped in horror! My hands flew to my mouth. There were no words!

Then I saw this on the floor. Only this is just after he had already removed the LARGE chunk of pink insullation!

What do you say? What do you do?

We laughed. We really did. The inspector guy came and, thankfully, what he was checking was actually not affected by a hole in our ceiling! We passed! HAHA!!!

And a quick phone call to the Nilsson house, then to my parents and six short hours later, it now looks like this:

And this:

Not bad, right?

It will get some more artful work tomorrow, along with serious picking and sorting out.

Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

P.S. Miraculously, he wasn't hurt! (At least, not from the misstep, anyway!)

Adopting is hard

Seriously, there have been moments these past few weeks where I have thought, "This is just too hard. I don't want to do this.", "Why can't I just have my little baby and be done with it!" But, no, that's not what God has for us. And, honestly, I'm glad. But let me just let you in on some adoptive parent myths.
1. It takes a long time.
So far, the process has zipped so fast, my head is spinning and my heart is barely keeping up! We haven't been picked by a birthmother yet, but our home study will be done as of next week and our profile is already being shown to birthmoms. (Please pray for these birthmoms!!) Now, of course, not every adoption is so quick, but...be prepared.
2. People who adopt are "special" and "called".
Ummmm...no. Nothing special, just another Christ follower whom God has given a burden. A burden which, by the way, we actually all share (check out James 1:27). And, yes, I have questioned, doubted, looked back many times (and still do) along this journey.
3. So, there's some paperwork, right? Why are you so busy?
Okay, so, there's a TON of paperwork and collection of information necessary. And if your situation is going as fast as ours is, we have had 3 weeks to: write autobiographies (his and hers - not as easy as it sounds), read 5 books/write 5 book reports (his and hers), copies of tax forms, insurance cards, marriage license, pet immunization record, physical exams (his, hers, and Evy's), CPR training, criminal history checks, fire inspection, environmental inspection, writing Dear Birthmother letters (his and hers), at least 3 scrapbook pages of our family and home, pastor recommendation letter, more financial reports, attending two seminars, two interviews with case worker, sketch of our home with dimensions, directions to our home with distances, cleaning out a baby room that has 5 years of junk piled in it...and there's more. All while working, raising a child, cleaning a home, making dinner, doing laundry...
4. Won't it be thrilling when you get THE call?
Yes, and no. So far every time I've received a call from New Life, I've cried. Not just cried, wept. It is such an emotionally charged thing we're doing. And every step, I can't explain this fully enough, friends, every step, has required so much dependence on God. When we get a call that they're ready for us to do our home study and it's 4-5 months earlier than anticipated - tears of joy, of shock, of excitement, of....finally!, of "this is actually happening!". When we get a call asking if we are willing to have our profile shown to birthmother x and here is some info on her - tears of brokeness over this situation she is in, of anxiety over the questions that flood your mind, of uncertainty over what to answer. So when we get the call that we've been chosen? When we get the call that she's going into labor? The call that we can come get our baby from this broken birthmom? "Thrilling" doesn't really come to mind.
5. But then you'll have your baby and you'll forget it all!
Really? Would you forget a birthmom wracked with grief handing her newborn baby over to you, then leaving the room hearing her sobs from the other side of the door? Would your heart not reach out to her, feel for her and maybe even have a hard time bonding with this new babe because of taking on that grief, too? Can you forget the loss that this baby also probably feels? Everything he/she has known is now nowhere to be found. Her smell, her sound, her touch, her heartbeat? Placement day will not be a party day.
6. Don't you want to hear about the people I know or have heard of who adopted and then were suddenly, unexpectedly pregnant?
No.
I'm not hurt or offended or even bothered if you do, but I smile thinking you must not know. You simply must not know how many of these stories I've heard and the grief I've dealt with thinking, "Okay, then...why not me?" I just smile thinking that that story doesn't help me even in the least.
7. Wouldn't it be great if you adopted your baby and then just didn't hear from the birthmom again?
Big, fat no.
She is an invaluable piece of our child's life. We will value her and teach our child to value her. Do you smell another blog post comin' about this one? Me, too.

Okay, now it's late.
By God's grace, I'm going to go to bed and let His peace put me to sleep. These days it's the only way I get sleep!
I'll keep y'all updated! Stay tuned!

Punkin' Carving Weather!

+ some mosquitoes, but that's okay! It was worth it!

Reed doing the dirty work as usual! Evy refused to stick her hands in there. Though maybe she did it once. I helped scoop, too, but Mr. Engineer had the best technique!

Mmmm...I could already smell them all roasted and salted up!

This is what Evy was doing.

Okay, no, maybe she did help with the actual carving! And she designed the face.

(P.S. I don't know why the shirt is backwards. I guess it was just that kind of day. Anyone else have this?)
Good memories!

Before and After

What do you think?

Before: handed down cabinet from Reed's parents. It used to have a brass grill like screen in the doors, but I had already removed that. Here it is with just the chicken wire. Acquiring said chicken wire in this size, non galvanized, was a story in and of itself!

I kinda liked this look by itself and hesitated to install the fabric. I like the look of my country french dishes... but I followed through and here's the after:

You can't see the chicken wire so much in this picture, but I really like the finished look. The rods for the curtain seem pretty easy to remove if I change my mind (or my mood!).

Oh, and for Morgan and any other crafters out there thinking of trying this, here's the hardware I used:

So, which do you like better? Before or after?

The County Fair

So, here's what our skipping "school" to gain some real education at the Fort Bend County Fair was like and what we learned.

This is a tractor. They are never this clean. This is how big they are!

Learning about honeybees.

This is a butterfly garden. We already knew quite a lot about butterflies, but it was cool to see and this lady was very nice and helpful!

This is Duke. He's about a year and a half.

This great FFA kid just walked up to us and asked us if we'd like our picture taken with him.

"uh. sure. yes!"

This is a steer. He's about a year and a half, too. He eats about 35 pounds of food a day! He is

sold to a slaughterhouse who turns him into beef.

This doesn't bother Evy in the least. "Mmmm...hamburgers!" she says!

"Math?" you ask?

She got ten tickets and we figured out how many and which rides she could go on.

I'm glad she let me do the giant slide with her. It was always my favorite!

We also just happened to find a neighbor friend with whom she is riding.

P.E.?

Oh, yes!

There was a whole tournament of races and though MaryEvyn was extremely skeptical at first, she loved it! Egg and spoon, potato sack and pop the balloon. She won third place in one race and won $3. She also won a doll as a door prize. Very fun!

Again, subtracting those last tickets!

Never mind that school this day also included cotton candy and a magic show with Ronald McDonald (who had a smoker's cough, by the way, what's THAT about?).

It also included quality time with my girl and that was worth a lot more! It also took our minds off of the last few hours before Reed got home from a LONG trip. We got home just in time to get cleaned up and then there he was!

YAY! I'd do it again and I highly recommend it!

The Downer

I feel like I've been that girl at the get togethers these days. The downer girl.

Things just haven't been so rosy over here for me lately. Just not going right. Or maybe just not the way I had hoped.

The funny thing is that when I think about it, I didn't really hope anything. I didn't plan anything...maybe that's why I'm so aimless right now. For the first time in a long time I feel rather...forgotten by God. I mean, where am I? What am I doing? What is my reason for getting out of bed and getting dressed every morning just to twiddle my thumbs from 8 - 3?

I don't know what I thought would happen when Evy started school. As far as I can tell, I'm the only of my friends in my situation, so it just never came up. "So, Erin," nobody said, "What are you gonna do when Evy starts school?" No, wait, I'm not blaming you for not saying anything, just that no one thought of it - including me! It slapped me in the face after the first day of school and one friend had to go to get to work. ("oh, right, work...hmmm...a job....,"I thought) Then the rest of the friends left with their littler ones. I guess that's what I thought I'd be doing: going home with my littler one, too. A small new wave of grief came with that. So a few tears later, I left and....uh,....went home. to nothing.

There's only so much cleaning one can do. Only so much laundry (believe it or not). And now, with Reed gone this week and next, there's even less! I am so not kidding when I say that the highlight of my day is getting the mail! The other day I got all showered and dressed up just to go to lunch with some friends, then pick up the girl, come home and put pj's back on. It's a funny, weird, sad life these days. ;-)

Oh, I know what you're thinking. volunteer! sew! projects! The thing is that while that is fine and good and I've done some of that... (really only enough to make me realize that I really do need a new sewing machine - it arrives next week!) it's not as fulfilling and it requires a LOT of self discipline. I need a job. A regular hours, pay me money (not cuz I need it, just cuz it motivates me), real job. You see, I can really see how depressing this is. How a person can be thrown into real, honest to goodness depression over losing/not having a job. Especially a man, right? And it has left me only to worry, ponder, obsess more than normal about Evy. She had a less than ideal few first weeks of school which I really didn't anticipate. Things are much better this week (finally!) though she still drags out the goodbye in the morning at drop off. But I have found myself over-anxious about her. Is she okay? Are we okay? Does she need me? Does she love me? Does she know I love her? Am I spending enough quality time with her? What is her teacher teaching her? Is she challenged? Is she tired? Is she sick? blah, blah, blah...

So, I haven't been blogging much 'cause I haven't had much to offer. Except some poor me-ness.

But here's the good news. No, some great news.

1. I have wonderful friends and parents praying for and with me. My good time friends have turned out to also be my bad time friends. Thanks.

2. God has not forgotten me. I do know this. He had a plan even if I didn't. Just because I don't know what it is or don't understand it, doesn't change anything. Lately I've learned about not only believing God with the result, but in the process. Oh, shoot, that's just a whole 'nother post right there, so take that as a teaser...

3. I was offered a job today. I'll be in a two year old classroom changin' them diapers, cutting and pasting, wiping tears and snotty noses, and laughing at their cute little two year old selves. And I'll be gettin' paid for it, thankyouverymuch. (not much, but my house's foundation will thank me)

4. Evy's not sick. We are ok. She does love me and knows how very much I love her. She is adjusting slowly to a long, tiring day at school where she is doing very well only to come home and fall apart like a lot of other kindergartners (so I'm hearing).

5. This should be Reed's last long, out of the country trip. If it's not, I will be making a personal appearance in a certain someone's office.



So, that's enough Debbie Downer. I have found myself to be still rather easily subjected to tears and random fits of talking to myself, but I see light at the end of this tunnel. And I'm not alone.

Cool News (well, for me, anyway. you may actually just be mildly interested to know)

Okay...I just gotta give you the best news first! My favorite not-a-person-I-know blogger is coming from France to be at Marburger for the October fair!! Yay! I'm so excited to meet Corey, from Tongue in Cheek! She's so fun, so spontaneous, so young and so in love with antiques! She's driving with a friend from Georgia to help her set up her booth! If the stars finally shine just right, I will be posting a picture of my happy little mug right as close to hers as possible!

Next, you gotta go check out this amazing photographer/blogger. She's beautiful, talented and loves the Lord. She's got seven truly beautiful children which, of course, she homeschools and they live on a farm somewhere round these here parts. Go see her at resolved2worship@xanga.com and thanks, Mom, for sharing that one with me. She's amazing!

Finally, and maybe just as exciting........it's time again for season 14! Amazing Race, people!
Go.
Go now and meet the teams. Tell me who you think it'll be!
It starts Sept. 27th. woohoo!
P.S. There's a pair that are current Harlem Globetrotters! cool!

Ah. I feel so much better sharing that with you!
Tell me what you think!

Treasure

This morning when Evy got out of the car to go to only her 8th day of Kindergarten, she hopped out and said, "I love you, Mom. Don't worry. I believe in Jesus."
Yes, she does and no, I won't worry. ;-) Things are looking up!

It's Finally Here

This was yesterday:

This was today:

Ready to go. The first words out of her mouth were: "I'm so happy today is school!"

We arrived at the same time as Menya, one of her best friends, who is in class with her.

Outside her classroom.

Parents got to stay for a little story. Thankfully, I was prepared and knew the story, so I was not crying but working pretty hard at it. Have you read "The Kissing Hand"? oh, man. Then we gave her a kiss on her hand to keep with her like in the book and she gave us one (Reed came, too.) I have a funny feeling that I needed it more than she did!!

I did keep it together, though, while I was with her and most of the day.

I did also take 24 pictures this morning.

I did also spend extra time out and about to avoid coming home to my empty, quiet house.

But I get to go get her in only 2 hours and counting!! And here's what's waiting for us when she gets home for snack: