An update with no new news

I have so many thoughts, I'm not sure where to start. (That should be your first warning about this post, I guess - haha!) Sigh.
Here's the thing: I really want another baby. I'd really love to have a little baby boy, but who really cares? We've been wanting for so long now. We've had tests, dr. appointments, surgery...and still to no avail (as of yet). We were wanting for four months before we had Evy, so in my mind, I guess I had this four month mark after a sort of "re-start" after the surgery - which was, um, four months ago. Not that that really means anything, but, you know...
In the post about our Anniversary I mentioned that Reed and I had some good discussions. We called them "sessions" like we were at a marriage retreat or something. Each "session" Reed picked a topic, like finances, or whatever and we discussed where we were, how it was going and where we felt God leading us next. Well, when we went to dinner we got to our annual anniversary questions. The best and the worst of the year. Oh, so many bests! Our marriage feels very close right now. It's been a good year for us, thank you to God alone. The worst has been the waiting. The months of hopeful ups only to be disappointed again. I can't get away from it. I can't NOT think of it - it's my body and it tells me every month just exactly what time it is. So, as we sat talking, thinking about it in that great restaurant, sipping our wine a thought formed. Should there be an end to the trying? I feel like it's just this door that we just always leave open, but it hurts to leave it open. A lot of people have the door closed for them because there's some known reason for their infertility. But that just isn't the case for us. There's no known reason why God has chosen to keep us a family of three.
That sad little baby room in our house. It has a bed, a crib, a changing table, little baby things...but it's empty. We used to call it "Evy's baby room" but started calling it just "the baby room" to prepare her for the possibility. But most of the time to me now, it's just sad. Even worse, I often put Evy's clothes in there as she outgrows them and at season's end, I put them in one of those ginormous "space bags", label it and Reed lugs it up into the attic. I don't even know how many of them are up there! The last time I did it, just a few weeks ago...man, it was so hard. And all I could think was, "Why am I even doing this?" The only reason I could come up with was because I just can't bear to do anything else with those clothes.
I tried to explain what I meant to Reed, and I guess I'm trying again now with you...when do we just close the door? When do we use that room for an office, a craft room, or something? Yet at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop hoping. So, I just don't know where that leaves us.
To answer the questions you may be wondering, no, we are not going to go any further down the fertility road. The next effort would be drugs and we just don't feel led by God to go that road, though I fully believe that God has different roads for everyone in that. So what about adoption, you ask? Well, we know that's out there and we're not closed to it, but, I don't know, I guess we've been so focused on our own that we haven't really considered it yet. Maybe I'm not ready to consider it yet. That feels like beginning to close the door. But for the first time, just last night, when the thought of adoption came to me again I did what I usually do every time baby #2 thoughts, plans, wishes come up: I give it to God. I remind myself that it's His to plan and give, anyway, so I surrender it to His loving hands. So I began to try to "see" us going to pick up some adorable little boy knowing he's all ours and it warmed my heart. It sort of felt like a possibility, y'know. I could "see" it. But I did with that possibility what I can only do with any possibility: surrender it to God. That gives me miraculous portions of comfort.
Here's another miracle full of grace: I have had no anger, jealousy or any of that towards others whom God has blessed. I had a little season of that, but it has disappeared almost entirely. Oh, I'll try and hold your baby as long as you'll let me - and try not to look and sound as desperate as I feel, but that's different!
And, again, as we sat finishing our wine and coffee that night and I tried to keep my tears from embarassing me (why did I choose to talk about this in public?) the words that kept going through my mind, and the ones I could say were, "But thank God for our one little Evy!" She is amazing and she is more than enough. More than what we deserve.
So, there's no new news, I just thought I'd write it out for myself (this has been very cathartic and I've cried while typing!) and for anyone who's been wondering "how we're doing". Maybe give you some prayer direction for us, if that's how you feel led. And if so, thanks!
Grace and peace.