A Hard Night

So, Reed left on Saturday at about 3:45pm after a special snack with Evy and me of popcorn while we played Candy Land (Evy can't get enough of this lately!). We were both very sad when he left. Reed hugged Evy for a long time and I saw his sweet tears. I was crying, too, but we pulled it together to say goodbye and Evy quickly redirected me to playing another rollicking game of Candy Land ("You be Dora this time, Mama, okay?").
Well, that night turned out to be a long one for me. It's strange how sometimes I'm actually relatively okay with him leaving and other times I'm a mess. So Saturday night I needed to get ready for my youth meeting the next day but just couldn't seem to get my mind around to focus on it. I watched the end of Good Will Hunting and proceeded to read the book that I had just bought for my mother. It's Paula Deen's memoirs and it was fun and fascinating to read. I very much identified with her struggle with agoraphobia, but that's another blog, or book, or therapist session, maybe! At one point as I read on the couch, I heard a noise behind me on the deck outside. It freaked me out so much that I jumped off the couch and turned off the lights to try to see anything, which I couldn't. I spent the rest of the evening on the other side of the room in the wing chair. I did finally wrap the book (after reading about half of it) and grabbed my Bible and went to bed.
I began reading the Psalms to quiet and ease my mind. To reassure my soul that I was not, in fact alone. That I could truly rest and be at peace because God was in control. All these things are obvious and easily said in the comforting light of day, but alone in a big house with a toddler depending on you, it's different. Stories of attacks in our neighborhood (one to our neighbor across the street just a couple of weeks ago) ran through my mind as well as news reports and whatever else Satan could use to deceive me about God's promises.
But as I read things like, "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4) and "in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" God spoke to me about what my trust was in for safety? Under regular circumstances, why didn't this fear bother me? Because my trust was in Reed? in my alarm system? in the locks on my door? in the low crime rate in my neighborhood? in my neighbors? in the light of day? Well, all these things could just as easily fail me. They are not worthy of my trust. They aren't bad things, but I depended on them for peace of mind and when the light wasn't there, when Reed wasn't there...I thought I was so much more vulnerable. But in actuality, nothing had changed because my Savior, God and Father was still on His throne and still overseeing anything that would possibly happen. So, I prayed for peace and rest and preached to my heart about believing that no matter where I lie down, I am safe with Him, even if the worst imaginable should happen, God would still be good! And I fell asleep. With the phone on the pillow next to me (a bit of habit when Reed's gone) and my hand on the physical gift from God, His word, I fell asleep. Sweet dreams.